Welcome to your new baby: Looking after yourself

Postnatal depression, the baby blues and anxiety

(Welcome to your new baby magazine, page 46.)

Everyone gets sad sometimes.

And giving birth to a baby isn’t all joy and happiness. 

Sometimes you’ll feel sad, flat, tired or uptight after having a baby. (This can be true for partners too.)

It is a normal response to the sleepless nights and the changes in hormones after the birth. 

Most mothers feel sad and teary for a few days after the birth – often called the baby blues.

In very rare cases, women experience confusion, delusions, hallucinations and severe mood swings after giving birth. This is called postnatal psychosis and requires immediate medical help and a stay in hospital.

Many parents feel more worried or anxious than sad. It’s normal to feel worried about your baby’s health, about finances or about your relationship with your partner.

However, if you are finding it hard to cope, you could have postnatal depression.

Postnatal depression

Get help if you have any of these symptoms for at least 2 weeks:
  • not sleeping well, or waking early (not just because of your new baby)
  • don’t feel like eating
  • crying a lot
  • feeling that you can’t cope
  • feeling anxious or fearful most of the time
  • afraid of being alone with your baby
  • having problems with your memory
  • thinking that you’re not a good mother
  • thinking that there’s something wrong with you
  • not having the energy to do anything.

Everyone needs help sometimes

If you are feeling sad or anxious after having your baby, the support of a loving partner or family may be enough to help you recover.

If you are finding it hard to cope, and think you might be depressed or anxious, there is help and support. It’s OK to ask for help – the sooner you do, the sooner you’ll recover.

Talk to a health professional you trust, such as your doctor or child health nurse. They can give you information and suggest treatment options such as counselling or medication.

If you think your partner or baby would be better off without you, or you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself or your baby, get professional help immediately. 
Contact Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline: 13 11 14.

Why do women feel depressed or anxious around childbirth?

It’s normal to feel sad or worried when our lives change and having a baby is a huge change!

Who am I?

When you have your first baby, you take on the role of mother and all that comes with it.

You’re no longer a ‘hair dresser’, ‘plumber’ or ‘teacher’ – at least for a while – and that can be hard. Be patient with yourself while you go through this period of change.

So much to do

Having a baby takes a lot of energy and when you’re exhausted it’s easy to feel depressed or anxious.

In the past, the family and even whole villages were involved in raising children.

Today, it often falls on a couple or a single parent to do this huge, important job. Sometimes it gets to be too much!

Being a parent is one of the most important and demanding jobs there is. But we often don’t recognise the time and energy it takes – I’m ‘just’ a mum.

What can you do about depression and anxiety?

Talk about your feelings with your partner or a health professional you trust, such as a doctor or child health nurse.
  • Join a parenting group to find people you can talk to.
  • Don’t blame yourself or others for feeling this way.
  • Don’t expect too much of yourself – recovery happens slowly.
  • If you have been prescribed medication, take it as directed.
  • Try to keep up your daily routine.
  • Stay in contact with friends and family.
You will get better – you can recover from depression and anxiety.

Looking after yourself

One of the best things you can do for your baby is to take care of yourself. 

It takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to care for a baby.

If you are too tired, it can be hard to look after your baby. If you are worried and stressed your baby will sense it and won’t settle or relax.

Don’t feel guilty about taking some time for yourself – you and your baby both deserve it!
  • Eat well, especially if you are breastfeeding. Have easy, healthy snacks like bread, cheese and fruit. Try to eat at least 3 times a day.
  • Rest as much as you can while your baby sleeps. Try not to use all this time to catch up on housework or other things.
  • Get some exercise and fresh air. Take your baby for a walk every day, if possible.
  • Do something nice for yourself every day. Even a quiet coffee or a few minutes phoning a friend helps.
  • Take a break away from your baby sometimes. Find someone you trust to mind your baby, even if only for half an hour.
  • Don’t try to be perfect. Accept offers of help from people you trust.
  • If you have a partner, share the baby care and housework even if they do things differently.
  • Take care of your relationship. Spend some time as a couple talking about something other than your baby.
  • Join a group or a gym. Chat with other parents.
If caring for your baby is getting you down, or you are feeling tearful and depressed, get some help. Have a talk with your child health nurse or doctor.

Tackling the hard things

A time of change for both of you

Most of us dream that a new baby will mean a new and closer relationship with our partner, whether living together or not. 

With time, if both people want it and work at it, this can happen. 

In some cases, the stress of caring for a baby, having less time for each other and lack of sleep, can put a strain on any relationship.

This is a new stage in your life that will take time and patience to grow into. Take time to share each other’s ideas, needs and wishes.

Relationships that weren’t working well before your pregnancy or birth can become worse.

Your relationship will affect your baby’s growth and development

From birth, all babies are aware of, and affected by, what is going on around them. Babies can experience ‘toxic stress’ if the people caring for them are stressed and tense. Toxic stress is very harmful to a baby’s early brain development.

Knowing this, you might want to try and work things out, even if it is hard – get some outside help if you can’t work things out between you. 

It is very important that you and your partner feel OK with each other as well as with your baby.

Is your relationship with your partner OK?

No-one should feel unsafe or put down in a relationship. This is bad for both partners and harmful to children, even little babies.  You need to make changes if:
  • you are scared or worried that your partner thinks that you can’t cope and blames you when things go wrong
  • your partner is jealous of time you spend with others and doesn’t want you to meet or talk with friends, or checks where you are all the time
  • your partner is jealous of the time you spend with the baby
  • your partner does not give you enough money or controls your finances. You need to work together to make a budget that works. If you stop a paying job to care for your baby, you still need to have a say about money.
  • your partner continually calls you names, puts you down or criticises you and your parenting
  • your partner loses their temper and shouts,yells or threatens you
  • your partner hits or hurts you, or destroys your possessions
  • your partner forces you to have sex or to do sexual things you don’t want to do
  • your partner blames you for what they have done. For example, ‘It is your fault I shouted at you’. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.
  • you are afraid of your partner or what they will do.
If you are in any of these situations, you could be in an abusive relationship – often called domestic violence.

You do not need to be physically hurt – domestic violence is one person trying to gain power and control over their partner.

Help to change

If domestic violence is happening in your home, you need to get help.

The sooner you get help, the more likely things will work out well. Sometimes people keep hoping that things will get better – domestic violence hardly ever goes away by itself and usually gets worse.

The partner who abuses

If you bully or abuse your partner, or find it hard to control your anger, you can learn nonviolent ways to deal with your feelings. Being a good parent includes being a good non-abusive role model for your children.

If you think you could be a danger to your family, leave until you have calmed down.

Talk to someone who understands the problem of domestic violence or phone the Men's Domestic Violence Helpline: 1800 000 599. 

The partner who is abused

You have a right to be safe.

You are not responsible for this violence and abuse.

If you or your child are in immediate danger, call the police on 000.

If you’re scared or living in fear of your partner, think about your safety and the safety of your child. You may need to make a safety plan. You can find services to help you with this safely and in confidence, as well as provide support, such as the Women's Domestic Violence Helpline: 1800 007 339.

Last Updated: 18/06/2021